Horoscopes for the socially infirmed

Just had a minute to share:

Horoscopes 10-22-08

Aries- I know you feel good about this person but maybe your friends might be right. This would be a good time to lay low and heed wisdom from cooler heads.

Taurus- This Aries person really diggs you, but watch out for friends; they might have alternative agendas which could rain on your romantic parade

Gemini- Today is a good day to be outdoors. To cleanse your spirit in the fresh winds of Autumn. Today you can move on and get that healthy break from Aries you've been seeking

Cancer- Today is a good day to go with your precocious nature. Make that call. Send flowers. Just make sure Taurus doesn't find out. I think he has serious Stalker potential. Plus rumor has it he has a crush on Aries.

Leo- Ah poor dear sweet Leo. Today you feel trapped in the spotlight that only your ego can contain. Be leery of Gemini, because he is still pining for Aries (as if), and Taurus has moved in on Aries, before the body is even cold (talk about lonely hearts club). I say party with Cancer.

Virgo- Dear Virgo where do I start. Really? Aqua Velva? Really? On a first date. That crap smells bad enough to take a cat out of heat. Might want to reconsider dating advice from Taurus.

Libra- Oh Libra. Don't blame Pisces. You were warned. I know this was a blow to your ego. I imagine the stench of Aqua velva will linger for sometime. Still. It's nice to be asked. Isn't it.

Scorpio- OK Scorpio here's the plan. Call Libra. She's vulnerable. And lets face it, your no prize. She just polished off a nightmarish date with Virgo. If you hurry, there is serious rebound potential. Oh, and lose the Aqua Velva; why you guys listen to Taurus I'll never Know. You realize he's probably a stalker.

Sagittarius- Sagittarius, I don't care if it has a front entrance and a small kitchen; it is still your mothers basement. Come on now, lets pick-up our chin, look in the mirror, and say "Today is my day". Oh and I know you and Pisces have unlimited text. Still 52 messages in 17 minutes could be viewed as "clingy". Remember what happened to Taurus. How he got that blue tooth in there is still a mystery to me. But then why would anyone spray Aqua Velva on that body part? Dis-infectant is my best guess?

Aquarius- Aquarius, you may be the ultimate water sign, but right now it looks like its raining feces. Just stay inside. Don't bother. Really. I checked the stars. Its not pretty. Order in, watch depressing T.V. and be thankful you don't live with Sagittarius or date Taurus.

Pisces-Dear Pisces, I am so hoping that Aries, listens to you, if only this one time. Furthermore so as not to throw stones from your glass thrown room, why are you stringing Sagittarius along? 52 text messages? 52? You know that he hangs out with Taurus? Me thinks you can do better. Rumor has it Leo may be a lion but he is hung like bear.